TRANSCRIPT OF SPEECH BY ALLAN MCKEOWN
VICE-CHAIR: WOMEN’S INTERVAL HOME, SARNIA
CHAIR: SARNIA-LAMBTON WHITE RIBBON CAMPAIGN
DELIVERED AT CANDLELIGHT VIGIL. PORT HURON, MI.
OCTOBER 22, 1998.
My friends often comment that the most hazardous situation to be in is driving your car. I tell them that is not true for women. The most dangerous place for a woman is in her own home. FBI statistics show that, in the U.S., domestic violence causes more injuries to women than motor vehicle accidents, muggings and rape by strangers combined.
The most important question we have to ask is: Why is this epidemic of violence against women still happening and what can we do to reduce its incidence?
In the beginning we did little to address the problem; in fact for the most part there was a deafening silence. Until relatively recently in most jurisdictions, it was legal for a man to use "reasonable force" against his wife.
About 25 years ago the silence was broken by women and then, less then 10 years ago by men.
It was women who began to speak out; for example to question the misogynist comments of men. Men such as Penn State football coach Joe Paterno who when asked at a press conference after his team lost to the University of Texas what he intended to do, replied "I’m going home to beat my wife". Later he defended his statement as "just part of the sports’ culture, locker room talk, harmless, a joke that did not mean anything".
A joke! It was a big joke too when domestic violence was first mentioned in Canada’s House of Commons by a female M.P. She was greeted by snickering and derision.
Women have been at the forefront of encouraging men to acknowledge that domestic violence is a serious public health problem; one that will not go away until men confront it, accept its seriousness and legitimacy and resolve to help change society.
Yes, change society- to a place where violence is not condoned and glorified; where women can walk alone at night without fear and relationship disputes can be resolved without violence. When we do that women and men will both be winners. Right now both batterer and battered are victims.
It was only in 1974 that the first women’s shelter in the U.S. was opened in St. Paul, Minnesota. In both the U.S. and Canada, as in many other countries, they have mushroomed across the land.
Next month, Sarnia will open a brand new facility, a new Women’s Interval Home. It is an exciting time for the staff as they will be able to do their work more effectively. At the same time it is a sad reflection on our society that we need such institutions.
At the United Nations Conference on Women in Bejing in 1995, violence against women was identified as one of the most pressing concerns of women around the world. Yes, this truly is a problem of enormous magnitude for violence against women unfortunately knows no boundaries.
In Canada, in 1991, a small group of men formed an all-male organization which they called the "White Ribbon Campaign" (Men Against Violence Against Women). This was the first organization of men, in the world, to address male violence against women. It was restricted to men initially as it was felt that it was important that men be seen to be finally taking an active role in working for change.
I started a local WRC group in Sarnia in 1994, and managed to attract a small core of men who are committed to speaking out against violence, supporting shelters and other agencies, and educating men and boys about the nature of the problem. Since its formation in 1991 the national group has supported other local WRC groups across Canada, the U.S. and many other countries. This year the WRC put its foot in the door in Russia and Finland. The European Parliament has recommended that WRC be formed in all European countries.
But not all men are receptive. With WRC came criticism and denial by other men. Sadly, we now realize, there are many men in denial, who vehemently oppose what we are doing, try to minimize the problem and insist that violence against men is at least equal a problem if not worse.
Is this reaction by men surprising? Not really when we consider the importance of power in men’s lives: winners v losers, us v them, men v women. For this problem is really about equality. Respect for women can only be achieved when men and women can finally realize that we aren’t from Mars and Venus; we are in fact the same species, with differences that should be celebrated and not demeaned.
I remember as a teenager in Belfast, quite clearly getting the message from my peers, that should I get married then I must be the "boss" in the relationship. To be otherwise, to not be in control of your wife was to be a weak man, unfit for the respect of other men.
Men have paid a huge price for such power and control. We are conditioned to portray ourselves as physically and emotionally strong; we don’t cry, we don’t admit to feeling inadequate; we are afraid to become fully involved emotionally with a woman. As a consequence we cannot give ourselves completely in a loving relationship, for to love is to be vulnerable and men can’t risk being vulnerable. So we mask our weakness with a veneer of toughness; but underneath we are in fact fragile. We feel isolated, insecure, unfulfilled, unable to fully love and unable to share our concerns: we lash out at the world - and who easier to hit than the woman we should love but are afraid to emotionally commit ourselves to. We don’t know love but we do know power and control and that’s an easy fix for our egos.
And because we have lost the ability to truly love our female partners, many men turn to pornography, a hopeless substitute for love and meaningful sex, but a multi-billion dollar industry, an industry dedicated to the degradation of women and children.
A couple of years ago I was driving near Midland, MI when a billboard caught my attention: it was a photo of a football player and father holding his baby. The caption said "No penalty for holding". Isn’t it tragic that we have to tell men that it’s OK to hold a baby! Perhaps we need billboards to scream out that its OK to risk your emotions and love your wife or female partner; to risk being vulnerable because if you don’t risk you will never experience the beauty of true love and the magic of an evolving relationship.
Mothers and fathers need to teach our sons a new definition of power; the real meaning of power, which is to become powerful by empowering others to reach their potential. We need to teach our sons to challenge sexism; to respect women as equals; that it is illogical to treat half of the human species as inferior. And we need to renounce all violence in the family and that includes no spanking of children. To hit anyone is an abuse of power and we must be intelligent enough to find alternatives for settling conflicts.
As we approach the millennium, let us celebrate our efforts and successes so far, for we have come far in a short time, even though the incidence of violence does not appear to be decreasing in a significant way. Important changes are taking place and have taken place as women strive for equality and men renounce the "macho sickness" of society and discover new and exciting ways to personal fulfillment through stronger relationships with their partners and their children.
We are witnessing the end of a patriarchal society and this is an exciting time to be alive. Many men will be dragged into the new millennium kicking and screaming for power is never relinquished without a struggle. The new society will see a shared power, a balance of power; a synergy which will lead to a peaceful and more spiritual society.
We must prepare our sons and daughters in the best possible way; our children are the future. It is our responsibility to make it happen. Let’s continue the work.
I will end with one of my favorite quotes: by Theo Hesburgh.
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother".
Thank you for your kind attention.