THE COURAGE TO BE A NON-VIOLENT PARENT
ALLAN McKEOWN
SARNIA-LAMBTON WHITE RIBBON CAMPAIGN
(published in the Sarnia Observer, 1998)
Let’s face it, being a dad is one of the biggest challenges a man can take on in his life-time. In today’s fast-paced society with its stresses and family break-downs the task has never been more difficult.
One of the most challenging aspects of parenting is knowing how to effectively discipline our children. The value of the "spare the rod, spoil the child" approach has been completely discredited by numerous studies, none of which could demonstrate any beneficial effects. For example, one large British study showed that the best predictors for having a criminal record by age 20 were having been hit at least once a week at age 11 and having a mother who strongly believed in corporal punishment.
Polls show that the majority of Canadians continue to support the use of spanking despite the fact that most parents admit to feeling guilty after doing it and also doubt its effectiveness. In a macho society were violence is used all too frequently to address problems it truly takes courage to change.
There were times, in moments of frustration, when I resorted to a slap on the buttocks "to get their attention" but such lapses were infrequent when my children were younger and now that they are both in their teens it is especially important to use non-violent alternatives.
A simple but effective form of discipline is a temporary withdrawal of privileges such as TV or play time. Prevention, however, is always better than cure. A lot of discipline can be avoided by letting the child understand your expectations of behaviour and setting boundaries or limitations. It is also important to reward good behaviour with praise, which is always more effective than criticism.
Treating a child with love and respect will help build the supports required to allow the relationship to grow. These investments take time and time is the necessary ingredient too many parents fail to provide. "Just being there" is one of the most important supports a child needs and some discipline problems can be traced back to a desire of the child to attract a parent’s attention.
Being a non-violent parent requires a commitment to learn more effective discipline methods and can be motivated by a desire to improve your relationship and a realization of the dangers of spanking.
Spanking as a form of discipline can be a time-bomb. The majority of child abuse cases began as "disciplinary incidents" in which the parent "lost it" and went too far.
The relationship between spanking and child abuse is dramatically demonstrated by statistics from Sweden where spanking was made illegal in 1979 and now has one of the lowest child abuse death rates in the world. What is also clear is that children who are spanked regularly will often become under-achievers, may drop out of school and have a much greater chance of indulging in self-destructive or criminal behaviour.
The evidence is in: the motivation to change is clear. Our children are our greatest gifts and the future of our country lies in their development as healthy vital beings nourished in an environment of love, support and guidance, free of all physical and emotional violence. It will not be an easy task but then nothing worthwhile is ever easy. The rewards are priceless.
The White Ribbon Campaign can be contacted locally at:
Box 197, 2-1200 London Rd. Sarnia, ON. N7S 1P4